We enter relationships to satisfy needs such as love, connection, safety, assurance, and importance. However, there may be moments when we realize that our expectations don’t match or that our partner is unable to meet our needs. This understanding typically results in dissatisfaction, disappointment, and emotional disconnection.

Understanding what women and men want from a relationship in 2023 is crucial for navigating our different expectations and achieving happiness in romantic partnerships. Premarital counseling can be a great place to discuss your relationship expectations and set your relationship for success.

Every Generation Brings Their Own Set of Expectations to Relationships

About 80% of adult American agree that finding the right partner is more difficult than finding the proper job. What makes dating so hard? Could it be that we have different expectations for what a relationship should provide?

Gender and relationship expectations and dynamics have evolved over time. As a result, generation Z’s attitudes toward dating and relationships differ significantly from the generations before them. For example, what was a relationship goal for baby boomers is distant from what Gen Z expects.

One study shows that more than 30% of the Gen Z population is not looking for a relationship at all. In contrast, 20% want to experience a variety of partners.

What Women Want in a Relationship

Understanding women’s and men’s goals and expectations is not a one-size-fits-all situation. People’s desires and goals can vary considerably, regardless of gender. Still, we can look into certain common elements between women and men when it comes to relationship expectations in order to create more happy and successful connections between couples. Here’s what women want from their guys.

Open Communication

A healthy relationship is built on open communication and vulnerability. Therefore, understanding, active listening, and vulnerability are key qualities women seek in communicating with their partners.

Men have been discouraged from openly expressing their emotions and showing vulnerability for generations. From a young age, most societies teach guys that being vulnerable equals being weak and powerless, encouraging them to be self-sufficient and tough. However, those times have passed. In modern times, women typically want their partners to have qualities such as self-awareness, honesty, and the ability to express their emotions.

Emotional Connection

Modern, high-achieving women still highly prioritize emotional connection and intimacy in 2023. They look for partners who can provide understanding, empathy, and emotional support – those who turn to their emotional bids for connection and who understand and respond appropriately to their love language.

Exchanging bids for connection and positively reacting to them, or turning towards, can help us establish strong bonds, according to Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute. Turning to each other’s feelings as much as possible helps cultivate the deep emotional connection most women seek.

Similarly, every person has their preferred love language. Gary Chapman, a marriage counselor, came up with the phrase "five love languages" to talk about how a couple can meet each other's needs for affection and connection.

Dr. Chapman says that these five ways to show and get love

• Words of affirmation
• Gift giving
• Acts of service
• Quality time spent together
• Physical touch

Problems in relationships often come from the fact that people like to show and receive love in different ways. So, women today want partners who can identify their and own love language and function as a team. 

Trust and Honesty

Trust is another cornerstone of a healthy relationship. However, studies indicate that nearly 50% of people in monogamous relationships have affairs.

Women today seek partners who are honest and reliable. Most women in 2023 choose monogamous relationships with committed partners or consensually non-monogamous partnerships. In any case, most women expect honesty and transparency, as building trust in a relationship requires openness, mutual respect, and commitment.

Secure Attachment

Most women seek secure attachment connections with their partners, allowing them to connect emotionally while maintaining independence.

Secure attachment relationships promote personal growth and openness by making both partners feel at ease and support each other while accepting responsibility for their actions and respecting each other’s boundaries.

Intellectual Chemistry

When two individuals have chemistry, it means they are deeply emotionally, physically, and intellectually linked, making them feel secure, seen, and accepted. Likewise, women seek partners with whom they are intellectually compatible. Again, it’s about having a shared sense of humor, getting along well with one another, challenging one another, and enjoying similar intellectual stimulation.

Women in 2023 want to establish relationships based on mutual trust and support while also encouraging healthy communication, empathy, and secure attachment.

Teamwork and Equality

Modern women work hard to balance work and life and seek partners who will treat them as equal in their relationships. In 2023, most women seek partners with whom they can share obligations and decision-making. In addition, they desire collaborative problem-solving and want their spouses to share parenting and housework tasks and support their personal goals and ambitions.

Physical Intimacy

Sexuality and physical closeness are basic human needs and important parts of a relationship. In most cultures, men have been encouraged to show their sexuality more openly, while the same doesn’t go for women. The majority of cultures encourage males to express their sexuality more freely, but not women.

However, modern women want to have gratifying sexual lives because they believe physical intimacy helps improve their connection with their partners. Sex, hugs, hugging, and kisses are all key parts of physical connection that women value because they make them feel more connected to their partners.

Appreciation and Respect

Our intellectual and emotional bonds with our partners are strengthened when we feel appreciated and valued in our relationships. Expecting respect in a relationship is natural and obvious for modern women. Therefore, they seek thoughtful partners who recognize and respect their boundaries, autonomy, and freedom.

Growth

Modern women understand that growth should always come first in a healthy and stable relationship. Therefore, they prefer partnerships in which they will not have to suppress their needs, desires, and feelings in order to please the partner since this is a guaranteed path to sadness and discontent.

A desire for self-actualization is an important human need, and women today appreciate partners who value individual progress and strive for personal expansion while committing to perfect oneness with each other.

What Men Want in a Relationship

Men are as complex as women and not as different from women as they look. Men, too, desire love and connection. They want to be respected, accepted and understood in their relationships. Most guys wish to have relationships where they can be themselves, have fun, be intimate with their partners, and have similar beliefs and values. So, here are ten things that men typically want in relationships.

1. Intellectual Connection and Stimulation

Men also enjoy intellectual connection in a relationship, seeking partners who will share their interests and sense of humor, mentally stimulate and challenge them, and inspire them to grow. Most guys look for a woman with whom they can discuss topics that they both find exciting and have smooth, natural conversations.

2. Independence and Freedom

Shared quality time is necessary for a good, strong romantic relationship. However, men need space in a relationship too. Most men are looking for separate interests, social activities, pastimes, and hobbies when in a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with it. It is healthy for couples to have time alone, as it allows them to be alone with their thoughts, relax, and keep their sense of freedom and independence.

3. Security        

Secure attachment in adult relationships is something that both men and women desire. People with secure attachment enjoy a solid emotional connection with their spouses while knowing how to set and respect boundaries. They strive for personal growth and independence while supporting and being vulnerable to one another. As a result, most men want partners with whom they can feel at ease, confident, and secure.

4. Emotional Closeness

Men in 2023 desire the freedom and confidence to show their vulnerability without fear of judgment. They want to overcome masculine stereotypes and express themselves without rejection or disapproval. Modern males also expect their partners to return the same level of openness and vulnerability. They want emotional support from their girls, so they can feel free to be their true selves.

5. Trust and Honesty

Modern men understand that honesty is a pillar of a healthy and strong relationship, so they expect their partners to be open about expectations, needs, and experiences. Because they understand how easily trust may be lost; most committed men place great importance on honesty.

6. Clear Communication

Men appreciate clear and open communication in a relationship. They want their partners to avoid making assumptions, jumping to conclusions, and passing judgment before gathering all the necessary facts or evidence. They like the opportunity to give input and discuss things openly.

Furthermore, most men's ears stand out when they hear universal statements and "you" language. Messages like "You never (remember our anniversary)," "You always (think only of yourself)," or "You'll never (change)" frequently provoke defensiveness and anger in the recipient, adding to the breakdown of communication.

Men appreciate women who replace such generalizations with "I" comments like "I feel hurt when you forget about our dinner plans" or "I feel ignored when you don't consider my needs" so they can better understand their partners.

7. Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries in our relationships is a sign of good self-care. Boundaries foster self-respect, reduce tension and anxiety, and promote positive communication.

Men in 2023 expect their needs to be respected in relationships like women. They desire clear emotional, intellectual, and physical boundaries that can help establish their identity in a relationship and indicate what they will and will not hold themselves accountable for.

8. Mutual and Personal Growth

Males in 2023 want self-sufficient women who cherish their men's personal growth. They want partners that share their goals, encourage them in their endeavors, and inspire them to be their best version.

9. Healthy Sexual Life

Even though men in committed relationships may want more than just sex, most men still prioritize physical intimacy. Similar to women, men want their sexual lives to be enjoyable and fulfilling. In addition, men now recognize that libido can fluctuate depending on time and circumstance. As a result, when their sexual desires do not match, they seek an open discussion about sex with their partners.

As a result, many men today seek couples counseling with their partners or individually to address intimacy issues in their relationships.

Someone to Take Care of Them

Guys too, want to be taken care of. They, like women, need touching, hugging, and being asked how their day went. They also appreciate a warm bath or massage after a long and tiring day. They value their partners being there for them and showing affection in small ways that help them connect emotionally and physically.

Couples Counseling Can Help You Get Where You Want to Be in Your Relationship

So, while men and women may have some gender-specific expectations and preferences in relationships, it all boils down to the fact that both genders seek security, trust, emotional connection, and healthy physical intimacy. In addition, both men and women favor partners who share their interests and values, have similar goals, and place a high emphasis on growth and development.

Open communication and honesty are high on the list of relationship priorities for both sides in committed heterosexual relationships, as modern women and men understand that trust, honesty, and respect are the pillars of a healthy connection.

If you are still determining whether you and your partner have similar expectations and relationship goals, couples counseling may help.

A skilled couples counselor can help you with the following:

• develop positive communication skills
• identify and understand your intimacy issues
• identify your personal and relationship goals
• address past traumas
• develop skills to resolve conflicts positively
• learn to be vulnerable with each other.

Relationship counseling can be a safe place to address your concerns and start building a healthy, meaningful, and mutually rewarding relationship.